Monday, November 21, 2011

Breaking Dawn Review (Humorous-sorta) with Wolf Bent

1. Werewolf Conversations Are Ridiculous
In a film full of awfulsome scenes, there was one that stood out: when the werewolves all yelled at each other in the dark. Let’s recap: Jacob finds out Bella is pregnant and tears off into the woods in wolf form, howling and yowling. (Alas, there's no shirtlessness; he’s too angry to take his top off first). Jacob's pack soon follows, and in a timber worksite they have a big ol’ ESP chat about what to do about Bella’s creepy pregnancy. As if a dozen oversize, oddly animated wolves having a deep-thought-off were not silly enough, the wolves all think over each other in semi-complete thoughts and very deep voices. The conversation is basically semi-indecipherable emo jibber jabber as conducted by voices Auto-Tuned to the lowest possible register. Obviously, it is magical. By the time Jacob scrunches up his snout, has a hissy fit about being the son of the chief who will do anything to protect Bella’s demon fetus, and storms off, we were sort of convinced the wolves could have their own show on a cable access channel. Wolves discussing movies! Wolves discussing cars! Wolves discussing politics! Loser has to bow down and put his nose in the dirt.

2. Jacob Knows How to Tebow
To the movie's credit, the imprinting scene — a.k.a. the scene in which grown-up Taylor Lautner falls in love with a newborn half-vampire — was not as creepy as it could have been. The adult Renesmee flash-forward circumvents most of the age issues, and they barely even mention that imprinting will eventually involve sexual relations (mostly it's described as a "protective" instinct). But did Jacob's reverent kneel look familiar to anyone else? He was totally Tebowing!

4. Catchphrase Alert! The Most Absolute Law
In the grand tradition of Twilight, the climatic battle is actually an anti-climax, involving a handful of wolves and even fewer vampires knocking each other around, but at least it does set the stage for a doozy of a line. After a few minutes of vampires socking wolves in the nose and no one getting hurt, Jacob tears out of the house and snarls at his former pack. They back down, and Edward reveals why: Jacob has imprinted on Renesme (See No. 2), and since the wolves can't hurt someone a fellow wolf has imprinted on, the wolves can't harm her: “It is their most absolute law," Edward says. Not the law. Not the absolute law. But the Most Absolute law. (Does this mean among werewolves maintaining one's abdominal muscles is a just an absolute law? Or the most, most Absolute law? Werewolves, help clarify in the comments!) Either way, learn it, live it, love it, play with it: "You know what's cool? A billion dollars." "Duh. It's the most absolute law."

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