(Italics are Hollywood.com's insertions.)
Title: Fifty Shades of Hair
Setting: We’d stick to Vancouver. Vancouver is gorgeous. I love Vancouver.
Part One: Boy Meets Girl
Once upon a time, there was a guy named Sam Uley. He was dating this girl, Emily. They were really having a great time. They were parking, making out, and just having a great young lovers' time. But, next thing you know, he started to change because those damn Cullens started showing up. He didn’t understand what was going on so he went to investigate, and he came to find out through legends and other tales that he happened to be a werewolf, and he hated it.
Then one day, he just flipped out. He broke up with and broke little Emily’s heart because he fell in love with her cousin. But that didn't last long. He breaks up with the cousin. And she becomes devastated because she ends up becoming a werewolf. Next thing you know, he’s back with Emily.
Now it's Emily's turn. He accidentally slashes her face during a shape-shifting period. And she forgave him. She probably has some codependency issues, maybe some father issues. But she gets back together with him and they live happily ever after with him until the Cullens show up.
Next thing you know, his boy Jacob is starting to shift and Jacob just screws everything up. He fell In love with Bella and Bella is in love with Edward and we get caught up in the middle. Sam would just assume they all move away and Jacob get over it because he liked his life before that. It was very peaceful. But no, he’s got to go in and do his job to protect the treaty, honor the treaty. Once he's done with Jacob and Bella's drama, it's back to Sam's love story.
Part 2: The Bachelor Party
Now back to Sam and Emily. They decide to take the next step and become husband and wife, but before that can happen, the boys must celebrate. And where else do boys go for some adult entertainment than a strip club?
I think we would probably go down to Seattle and hang out at Deja Vu on an off night. When it’s not crowded, we’d rent the whole place out. We’d stick to the humans as strippers. It would definitely be a party. Maybe rent a jet and go to France or something.
Of course, Sam would want some Volturi to show up to liven the party.
Part 3: The Wedding
There would be a lot of KFC, orange Sunkist, and probably a lot of hip hop music. That’s how we’d throw it down. Then we’d have the Cullens over. Everyone would be happy. Now that we are all bonded and friends now, we’d have a good throw down. There would be horseshoe throwing, shape shifting, seeing who can outrun each other. And Sam would pick Paul as his best man. All the folks would be there. It would be something out of like Guns N' Roses "November Rain."
Part 4: The Birth Scene
That would be cool to have little wolf kids running around. But there wouldn't be a birth scene like in Breaking Dawn - Part 1. That would be gross. I don’t know if I could do that. I have a hard time with births, just watching them on the History Channel. I’d probably cut right through it. You would just see her holding the kid.
Part 5: The Epic Battle
Of course a Twilight spin-off concludes with a good fight scene. There would be a lot more fighting. There would be a thousand more fights. We’d take on everything. Then somewhere along the way, it would just turn into a whole different film all together. Let’s throw some aliens in there too. They come down. In one scene, the wolf pack goes against the aliens and we all had to fight in the Egyptian pyramids. The the volturi and all the other vampires from all over the world come come in at the last minute to save our asses. We think we’re down, we’re getting beat. But the vampires come in and help us save the day.
We eat at the local buffet. Settle down. Occasionally I’ll go down to Palm Springs, do a little vacation there. Leave the kids. And Sam just wants to sit on his porch and smoke on his pipe and chill out. They live happily ever after.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 drops in theaters Nov. 16.
Follow Lindsey on Twitter @LDiMat.
[Photo Credit: Kimberley French/Summit Entertainment]